LOVE TAPS GENTLY by Janet Lambert

 There is much to find icky in this book and it can all be laid at the feet of that decrepit old man on the hipper cover above - Bobby Parrish. 

Oh Bobby, he started out as a teasing lout and remains so, but also a borderline pedophile who is "in love" with 16 year old Susan Jordan, in spite of being a (barely) West Point graduate. 

There are some sweet parts of this book, of course, but the looming threat of Bobby's dreams of love just make me want to hurl. Only the reintroduction of snotty little Bitsy and the delightful schadenfreude of Gwenn's near death experience make this worth reading.

So - to recap from A DREAM FOR SUSAN - Susan, her twin Neal and ol' whatshisname (okay, fine, it's Vance) are now living in their little dream cottage on the Parrish estate and their dad, newly retired from the military, is living with them. 

Two bolts from the blue hit them at once. First, Gwenn - the most horrible of all the Jordans - is planning on suing her step-father (Susan's dad, it's a lot of exposition, just trust me) for mis-managing her inheritance from her mother. He has not, and Alcie (now married to Jonathan Drayton and happy) can back this up. But Gwenn's stupid, vain husband Bill is running through cash and she has to do something. ALSO, little sister Bitsy who has been living in England with the oldest Jordan, Jennifer and her titled husband, is coming back to the good old US of A to be raised as an AMERICAN girl. 

So. Much. DRAMA!

There is much decorating, changing of rooms and generally getting ready for Bitsy. Also, Keith Drayton (Alcie's brother in law) is a clean teen who is very into Susan. At one point she almost thinks about considering going steady with him. But she doesn't for no good reason other than Janet Lambert thinks going steady is for whores. 

Bitsy arrives and is a snot who we figure out is jealous that Jennifer (essentially her mother for most of her life) has had a baby of her own. But she gets better. As with so many of us, she observes the horror-show that is Gwenn and decides to be a better person. 

Gwenn comes to get her filthy lucre, but it turns out that she is super skinny and all drugged up and needs to be sedated and fed. She ends up back with Bill and is hopefully going to get the help that she needs, far, far away. 

And then there's Bobby. He declares his love for Susan even though it is clear that it makes her deeply uncomfortable. He kisses her, so now she is soiled, or marked for death or something. He is just gross. It seems like he is just too entitled and lazy to go find a more age-appropriate future wife. It is a textbook case of grooming. In his (mild, barely-deserved) defense, he doesn't want to marry her now, he wants to wait for her, but still, he is desperately trying to take away her agency in the whole future of her love life and I hate it. I don't have a problem with age difference in relationships, even in Lambert. Penny Parrish and her husband are 10+ years apart, but they met as adults and they are a good fit. Bobby just creeps me out. Have I made that clear?

I am now more than halfway through A SONG IN THEIR HEARTS and am becoming reacquainted with Candy Kane, and am enjoying a pretty feminist sub-plot from the usually patriarchal Lambert. Perhaps that will get the taste of Bobby Parrish out of my mouth. And yes, I know how gross that sounds. Now you know how I feel!

MARY JANE by Jessica Anya Blau

 

During the Covid times I had the hardest time reading new fiction. I just didn't want real life or anything remotely sad. Super-editor Jen Hart gave me this book over the summer and I loved the cover, but I didn't crack it because, well, it wasn't written by Maud Hart Lovelace or Janet Lambert. 

But then I did, and boy was I thrilled!

This book ticks so many of my boxes - good girl rebelling, fake celebrities, precocious - but not irritating - children, good Christians and bad Christians and smoking pot as a form of comfort. Oh! And beach getaways!

The premise is that Mary Jane is hired as a mother's helper by a family in her Baltimore 'burb in the 1970s. Her family life is cold and structured. Her home is immaculate and her family shows up at the country club and church with the regularity of a Swiss train. Her mom is raising her to be a Stepford daughter and her reputation needs to be shiny and polished at all times. 

The family Cone hires her to take care of their delightful daughter Izzy and she is ushered into a world where cleanliness is next to impossible and all meals are takeout. 

Izzy is the sort of child that could have come across as irritating with a less delicate writer, but she squirms delightfully across the pages. Sure, she is irritating, but in a realistic way and the bond that grows between she and Mary Jane feels real. 

Mr. Cone is a therapist and his client is Jimmy, a huge rock star who is struggling with addiction. Jimmy's wife Sheba seems like a cross between Cher and Marie Osmond (if you can believe it) and is far more wise and grounded than you'd think.  They are deeply in love and committed to Jimmy's recovery. Mrs. Cone has some issues with her own standing in the adult group and it makes for some uncomfortable and satisfying moments. 

The story unfolds beautifully. There is always the undercurrent of worry that Mary Jane is going to get caught in the lies she tells her mother. But the truth is that she is changing the lives of the people she works for as much as they are changing hers. She takes the lessons of cooking and cleaning that are so important to mer mom and uses them to teach the adults around her (and Izzy) that sometimes these traditional things are a form of self-care. 

And she is changed as well. She learns that "weird" people are often wonderful and that there are many ways of thinking about things. What I loved the most is the church-y bits. So often in fiction religion is shown as a crutch or a ball and chain. And certainly the rigid WASPy-ness of Mary Jane's family is damaging, but Jimmy and Sheba, with all their worldliness, make a good argument for the comfort and joy of faith. 

The culmination of the story is a week on the shore and the twists are always satisfyingly just shy of jarring. They will surprise, but they work. I felt that the ending was somewhat unexpected, but just right. I can't wait to forget the details of this book so that I can read it again and be delighted anew. For now, I will just tell everyone I know to read it! So go read it.

HIGH HURDLES by Janet Lambert

 

Well, you can't tell from the look of terror on Dria's face, or the look of profound sadness on Tom's, but at the start of HIGH HURDLES, Miss Alexandria Meredith is on top of the world! She is about to begin her tenure as the editor of the Hi-Bomb the ridiculously named school paper. She has ol' neighbor Rob sniffing around her and her recent memories of her summer on the farm riding Star Dream, the horse her beloved great-grandmother has gifted her. 

Her pals from SUMMER FOR SEVEN are still around. Willie and Millie have graduated and Will is BMOC over at Perdue, Millie can't quite swing college, but she has plans and is improving herself taking post-grad classes at the high school. Holly is still a snob and everyone enjoys busting her chops about how pretentious she is about her summer abroad. 

So, to jump in, Mama (Dria's grandmother who doesn't like to be called anything that makes her sound old like, you know, grandmother) has a bee in her bonnet about Dria riding in the International Horse Show at Madison Square Garden. It'll be a treat for Dria and not at all a way for Mama to swan about high society like a giant radioactive Holly. 

Dria loves Star Dream, but also recognizes her obligation to the Hi-Bomb and the amount of work it will take to get ready. She eventually decides to do it and Star Dream and his needs take over her life. Tom comes up from the far with the horse and helps out. He is cheerful and good as a servant should be, but dang, he looks like 40 miles of hard road on the cover. 

The prepping for the show parts are good and there is some misunderstanding and jealousy with Rob and I could not care less. Rob is a football star and dull as snot. But I do love the scene where his mom helps him figure out a "please forgive me for being a dink" gift for Dria. 

The book really shines once they get to New York. Lambert has clearly been in the horse world and she covers Dria's not-at-all-surprising wins in the ring perfectly. There isn't too much horsy stuff for those of us who aren't horsy, but there is enough to make us feel like we know what is going on. 

There is a manufactured conflict where Mama wants Dria to stay longer to finish out the show. (She had promised to return to school after a week, but if you don't think Mama can't get her out of that obligation, you don't know Mama at all!) There is also a lovely bit where Willie, Millie and Rob show up in New York to see Dria. And frickin' Camilla Lou shows up acting spoiled and dancing with foreigners just to make Dria look extra awesome. She never disappoints!

The book ends with Mama respecting Dria for keeping her word, Dria loving Mama for understanding her and making sure that Mama visits more. Rob and Dria are apparently in love and none of these rich people has offered to send Millie to college yet. Hopefully there's another Dria book so we can get this shit sorted out!

I thought this book was delightful and while the details have become hazy - I really must write up these recaps the minute I finish them! - I enjoyed it thoroughly.

My Jeopardy Experience part 2 - THE GAME!

If I had just read Alexi Grishin's THE LEGENDS OF THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR instead of only claiming to have read it, I might be sitting in my own beautiful hot tub right now. But even though I remain unsubmerged, my Jeopardy journey is still one I will never regret.  And one that I am becoming increasingly unable to remember. Hence the writing it down!

Before I begin my story chronologically, as God intended, here are the answers to the two questions people have asked me over and over.

1. I would have loved Levar Burton as host for many reasons - his warmth and kindness foremost - but it is a steep learning curve to run the game smoothly and quickly. I think the producer who has been on the show for years and the astrophysicist who was a natural and had everyone out of the studio in Alex Trebek level time were smart picks initially if the studio was hoping to be able to stop paying the crew massive overtime right away.  Of course that didn't work out, but I adore Ken Jennings - read his books, and his Tweets, he's hysterical!

2. Matt was lovely, I am thrilled that he continues to win. And win. And win. Here is a nice article about him that will make you like him too. 

And now that I have cleared those up. This is a face I made on actual television. 

And that is how I actually felt the WHOLE TIME. But I was able to hid it a wee bit...

They played the song, we were introduced, Levar came out and talked about RIF (Reading is Fundamental), he revealed the categories and we were off!

Matt got the first two, but I rang in for the $1000 clue about the alphabet. And it was a -stan!! I studied those! I rang in and there was an uncomfortably long pause before Levar told me I got to answer. It was Uzbekistan! The greatest of all the -stans! (Not counting Sebastian Stan, of course.)

Matt showboated for three more questions and then John got one.

But then we were back to geography - my sweet spot, who knew?? It was the Great Lakes. You bet I knew this one. Although I made a nervous face of relief after leading to my second favorite tweet of the night. 

My favorite city in the world is Minneapolis (Suck it, London!) and I would have sworn that I swept that category. But Matt got Jesse Ventura. I knew it, just not quickly enough to beat that over-educated youngster. I got hip replacement, though! Us golden-agers know all about the hip replacements.

I got bicameral, but Speedy McYale beat me on byline. And he got the first daily double. DRAT!!

Then the Minneapolis Miracle happened! They showed the statue that reminds the residents of the Twin Cities that they are going to make it after all and Matt ID-ed it as Mary Tyler Moore. I was pissed, but then I (slowly) realized that they asked for the CHARACTER! Jon rang in before me, but he guessed the wrong Mary and I was thrilled to put that to bed with Mary RICHARDS!! None of us was willing to guess on state capitals and we went to commercial break.

Except we didn't - we just went to the stories part. Jon talked about his girls. I told a stupid story about writing new lyrics to songs. And I said I can rewrite any song after 1962, but it is really 1992 - so it isn't that stupid of a skill. Levar called it a super-power, so whatever! I had two funny jokes on the topic, but because we only have about 10 seconds apiece, I did not get to deliver them. I wish I had talked about the Betsy Tacy Convention or my colleagues with whom I play trivia, but I went with this one. It was fine, but I was hoping to get a laugh. Oh well. 

Matt and I both messed up hurricane categories, but I got the eye, and land. Because I have been in hurricanes. Then I didn't get any for awhile. 

I got the median nerve, because it is the middle child of the nerves. I went back to the alphabet and got San Diego! And then I made this face on television.

When will I learn how cameras work?

I was too slow for Mall of America and the tongue. I did get the sound of crickets - just as I have in real life so many times - and the final clue of the round - Purple Rain. That was the cassette that was caught in my friend's tape deck when we drove to New York and back freshman year of college. Believe you me, I know that soundtrack! And I showed all my teeth in Prince's honor. 

Then we came back for double Jeopardy. Not that we went anywhere. No commercial breaks for the contestants, or for Levar. 

During the round there were some timing issues and a question that needed to be replaced, but since I was in a fugue state and remember very little that I can't see on TV, I don't remember the specifics. But it was interesting how it all went together. When they changed up the clue, we all had to turn our backs to the board - that's all I remember. Sorry. There is a reason I tell myself to write things down as soon as they happen. And yet...

ON TO DOUBLE JEOPARDY! 

Levar presents the categories and Jon picks first. I got Sweeny Todd, Gene Wilder, Brie Larson (awkwardly) and Jon got the other two (in the Actors Sing category) so clearly pop culture is not Matt's bag! He got LEGO and started on the Knights Templar. 

Matt missed the answer about what the knights decorated their outfits with by saying "cross" and I tried to bat cleanup with "crucifix" - which I quickly realized was a stupid answer and proceeded to roll my eyes at myself and make an almost cricifix-y arm movement. 

Ooh - but look! I'm beating Matt here - ever so briefly... And then Matt got the first daily double. It is a good thing, because I would have bet everything and lost it all because I had no idea.  He quickly got the next daily double which he got wrong, but I would have gotten it right. Alas...

It was the Matt show for the next bunch of questions. None of us would guess on the Templars - why didn't I read Alexi's book??? - Jon got a couple, but it's mostly Matt. None of us were guessing on those foreign jobs.  But then Ladies of the 80's came up. Why, I am a lady of the 80's! I was pleased. 

I got Vanity Fair, Gerry Ferraro and my favorite part of the whole show, gently admonishing America to "Just Say No" to drugs. (And everyone who knew me in college started laughing uproariously, I am sure...)

Then Matt and I both missed Florence Griffith Joyner and Levar was like, "It's Flo-Jo, you dumbasses!" [And Twitter concurred. They ripped all of us new ones for missing the most famous Black female athlete of the 80s. Did they not notice we are huge nerds?]

In my defense, it was a sports question and I shouldn't even have guessed, but I did remember Jackie Joyner-Kersee because I loved the way her name rolled off the tongue and was even in alphabetical order. And hyphenated! So, so sophisticated. 

Here is Levar's face when we missed it. Pretty priceless...

I would have gotten Sally Ride, but frickin' Matt was too dang fast. Jon beat him on Bank though. And I got the Pope, so there... And I snuck in Coral at the last minute keeping it from being a complete shut-out. 

Fun fact - only 5 of Matt's games were not shut-outs and as of September 30, I came closer to beating him in the final score than anyone. (That is why I hope he keeps winning forever.)

And now ON TO FINAL JEOPARDY -

You can't see the little bit of my soul that died when Levar announces the category MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURES. I don't know anything about mythology and even less about animals. It might as well have been SPORTS FASHIONS. Alas...

Now, here is some insider info about final Jeopardy. Those little blocker things that come up look HUGE when you are on stage, but I had never even noticed them before! And they give you all the time you need to put in your wager. We were like 10 minutes doing simple math over and over to make sure we got it right. I knew the only way I would win would be if Matt didn't get it right and I did, so I only had to beat 24,400. But if I got it wrong, I still wanted to be able to beat Jon and get my second place winnings! And it only took me 10 minutes to figure out how to do that. They also remind you to write WHAT IS before you put down your answer. Apparently too many people were getting it wrong for want of the form of a question. 

When I heard the question, I was thrilled! I have to thank Albus Dumbledore for that. He was a horrible educator, but he knew his way around a Phoenix. When they showed us answering the question, Matt looked like he was really confused, I looked like I was drawing a cartoon and Jon looked like he was hoping for the best. 

Jon missed it, but smartly gave himself $50 in case I bought the farm. Then it was revealed that I got it correct! The host is supposed to give what they call "the factoid" after the first correct answer, but Levar kept forgetting. (It was his FIRST DAY, cut him some slack!) It was wonderful for me because every time he revealed my score he would say, "You're in the lead, Barb!" and I could have listened to that all day. Sadly, it was cut in editing, I guess. But here is the beautiful picture of me BEATING MATT'S ASS!! 

And that is where it ended. I was victorious and went on to win over $1 million on the show. I am still in Los Angeles, playing RIGHT NOW! 

Okay fine - it ended like this - 

But it was still awesome. I got to ask Levar if he would care for a Coco Nono and he answered right back, "I never lie when I have sand in my shoes." And I swooned like any self-respecting Start Trek fangirl. 

Then Jon told a beautiful story about how Levar instilled a love of reading in him through READING RAINBOW that changed the entire course of his life and I choked up. And I think Levar did too.  Honestly, everyone involved in the entire process was just wonderful. Everyone on staff was professional and helpful. Levar was everything I dreamed he would be as a host and as a human being. The other contestants were fun and collegial - even Matt. He was a sincerely nice guy and deserves all his success. 

I just wish he was a few seconds slower on that signaling device.